Bre vs Bre…The Life of the Silent Socialite

As an introvert, I like to live a hidden life. I like to chill, blend in with the background, and actively lurk while minding my business. However, the Leo in me is the actual socialite. She wants to be the center of attention. She wants to be seen, heard, and loved. She wants to be the star of the show. What show? All the shows! This is where it gets complicated….I mean more complicated. The whole concept of being “visibly invisible”/“invisibly visible” is crazy to explain and understand. I guess the best way to explain it is through my personas, Bre the Introvert and  Bre the Diva (the Leo).

One of the biggest characteristics of introverts is that people make us “tired.” It might not be that we totally dislike people… They are just exhausting creatures. Introverts are energized by being alone. On the other hand, Extraverts are energized by peopling. Because I don’t have a lot of energy to begin with, I spend a lot of time avoiding people so I can keep the lil energy I do have. And avoiding people means that I practically try to be invisible. If they don’t see me, they won’t talk to me, right?!  Lol… Yeah, that’s not how it works. Mini rant…I wear headphones, and hoodies and try to avoid eye contact with others and they’ll still strike up a small conversation. Is it my energy bc clearly it isn’t my RBF (resting bitch face)?!

Anyway, I also avoid people so I can escape the inevitable socially awkward situations. You know…

When you run out of things to say and you don’t know how to appropriately close the conversation so you just walk away…

Or when you get a compliment and you feel obligated to return one but you can’t because your compliment would be a lie…

Or when you’re in a group and you have something to say but you don’t feel like speaking over everyone so you just sit there quietly…

Or when you’re just not interested and you don’t want to fake it…

Have you been there? Surely, it is not just me!

Attention makes me uncomfortable and awkward. This is why I don’t do public speaking. I’m capable of doing it, but I dislike it because everyone is looking at me.
 

I have to coach myself like…

Smile…

Don’t use too many hand motions…

Don’t drool…

Don’t say “um” too many times…

Oooh…squirrel…

Focus…

Don’t be weird…

Make eye contact, but not too much…

Stop overthinking…

And the thoughts go on and on. I already overanalyze my overanalysis so my thoughts start to do THE MOST!

It is also uncomfortable for me to receive compliments. Bre the Diva wants all the compliments and love.

Bre the Introvert is like “thank you…that’s enough…look away now.”

Here I go overthinking things as usual.

Bre the Introvert: “Did I smile enough? Did I look sincere? Don’t smile too hard or you’ll look weird. Don’t be weird. Humbly say thank you. Was that humble enough? Oh no, I sound cocky. What am I going to eat for lunch? You should compliment them back. Naw, just walk away.”

Bre the Diva be like: “Thanksssss”  

I have even tried to record videos of myself for a church member’s surprise thank you video and for a program I was doing. I recorded about 10 videos and hated every one of them. I watched the recorded video and both Bre the Introvert and Bre the Diva said “girllll…you’re fake AF. Delete it!”…and so I did.  About these videos…bae has created a couple of videos that I’m too shy and bashful to post. He had to post them on his page and they got great feedback. The compliments truly had me feeling myself, but my anxiety won’t let me post them on my own accounts. I’m a scaredy cat. That’s too many people looking at me…even if I can’t see them looking.

Bre the Introvert and Bre the Diva stay fighting. Do I remain quiet, humble, reserved and unseen…or do I give in to my Leo nature and be flashy, extra and drown in the attention. Can I be both? Can I be seen and unseen? Is there a healthy balance? How do I spend so much time hiding from people then get mad when they don’t see me! Isn’t that what I wanted?! Why do I even get mad when I miss opportunities when I was too afraid to advocate for myself?

Iono! I am sick of complaining to myself about myself.  Pray for your girl!

 

 

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